14 Reasons I Didn’t Come To Your Party

September 23rd 2013
Let’s face it.
Parties are the BEST.
These guys get it.

These guys get it.

Free food (sometimes). Free alcohol (sometimes). Good friends (Dependent on the availability of free food and alcohol)
Sometimes we just don’t give a damn.
Fresh out of damns.

Fresh out of damns over here.


Because the idea of lounging in silky soft Pjs and pounding Cooler Ranch Doritos IN BED sounds pretty fuckin phenomenal ta ME.
Call me.

Call me.


Whether we’re down in the dumps, had a long week, or just want to party in our underpants.


Always a good excuse.


That damn combo is calling our name and the pants party…


It’s just not.

So we don’t go.

And it’s wonderful.

And it’s grand.


 What do we say?

What do we do?

When Monday morning rolls around and the inviters are gettin all sensitive and inquiring about our whereabouts this Saturday night?

Hello guilt trip.

Holy guilt trip.


We’re good.

 I got you.



Because I created a list.
In case you too want are avoiding social interactions and public decencies and you too need a back pocket excuse to get you out alive:
Olive, Bentley Cooper and Penny Erikson present:

14 (Last Minute) Reasons I Didn’t Come To Your Party

You have to understand.
I was on my way out the door, you see, when suddenly I realized:


1. There was a pack of cobras outside my door. Truly, I was trapped.
That's what I'm saying, Samuel L.!

That’s what I’m saying, Samuel L.!

So I digressed back into my apartment for safety and an 8 hour marathon of Teen Mom seemed to fend them off.
Oh. We know.

Oh. We know.


2. Showering was too big of an undertaking
Thing is.
I was getting all clean and shit for your shin dig. When last-minute preparations took an unexpected turn…

Warning: Never attempt to snack and shower at the same time…Multi tasking can be a confusing asshole. 


3. Purchased new pajamas that give me an inability to agree to any sort of physical activity
It’s really quite remarkable
Bathroom breaks and reheating tostito rolls are the only things that get their approval.
Ask them to wrinkle for anything else and they’re just like:

Truly not my choice.

4. Waiting on my hot pocket to cool down
To put it simply:
5. Lost my car keys. Forever.

RIP every pair of earrings I've ever worn and any cell phone ever dropped.

RIP every pair of earrings I’ve ever worn, any candy ever eaten or any cell phone ever dropped


6. The idea of putting on pants gave me hives
Housewarming party my ass. What your Facebook invite really meant to say was:
To which my response is:



7. Too busy distressing over my first world problems

That is some serious bullshit.

This is some serious bullshit.


8. My cat won’t let me leave the house

Too busy making jokes.

Entirely too much bonding going down


9. Got a lot of shit on my mind

Screen Shot 2013-09-22 at 9.01.25 PM

10. Finally got my letter to Hogwarts #gogogryffindor




11. Watched inception 3 years ago. Still mind-fucked.





12. My ex slashed my tires again

So things ended well

So yeah things ended well



13. Spent entirely too much money on hot pockets last week. So now it’s like

Screen Shot 2013-09-22 at 8.59.49 PM

14. Thought I my face was ready for the public today…Not the case.

Screen Shot 2013-09-22 at 9.01.00 PM

It’s for the best.


And there you have it. 14 back pocket reasons you can recite to your invite-happy friends anytime you bail on good times and friends for cushion comfort socks.

But if you do decide to come out.

And you’re looking for me.

Just assume I’ll be where these guys are.


Roll out.