April 29th 2014
Story originally written and experienced: April 19th 2014
It was a dark and stormy night.
And nobody gave a SHIT.
The occasion was this:
It was my 25th birthday and I was on a relentless vendetta to celebrate the shiza out of my miraculous survival through life thus far…my survival only being labeled as miraculous because.
In the last year I had invested my time in some pretty ridiculous mischief. Kind of like:
Getting slammed…into a wall by a rogue Scottish bachelor in Prague.
Jumping on a 50 person party bus to New Jersey where I had apparently had such an absurdly good time I…completely missed the bus ride home resulting in….a lonely party of…1.
And investing in an impromptu ski ball challenge with…a drunk baby jesus imposter.
And this night was no different.
I rented a bus. For me. And 30 people. And it was swanky. And it was nice.
And then I filled it with friends.
Requesting the driver to take us anywhere and potentially…everywhere in the grand land of New York City.
Once on board, we…inspected the equipment.
And once approved, were finally ready to roll the fuck out.
And that’s when it started. All of it. The batshit episodes that occurred on this batshit journey to kick start another year of absurd adventures—redefine my quarter life crisis as a quarter life AWESOME. And roll the fuck forth with the best company I could possibly find.
And we did it. Invested in epic episodes in attempt to top the ones that had occurred just one year before.
And they were only labeled as epic because.
8 Ways I Celebrated My Quarter Life Awesome
1. Igniting A Temporary Romance With A Faux Fur Chewbacca
The story was this.
On our lengthy cruise around the big apple that evening, I made the hasty decision to stop in Times Square. Enthusiastic, joyous, and incredibly inebriated in my attempts to be photographed with the costumed locals and perhaps even score an autograph or 3.
And then I saw him.
All of him.
All of him and his lustrous locks.
All of him and his lustrous locks that he was sporting with…a backpack and simultaneously…
And I just…I couldn’t resist.
I walked >>>> over to him. S l o w l y. And we began to converse.
“Can I…take a picture with you?” I said with romantic intentions and very limited motor skills.
“Yes…yes you can,” he said sweetly, “for $10…bitch.”
It was love.
But not for long.
After a lengthy sifting session through my bottomless purse, Chewie grew displeased with my collected 4 dimes, 3 pennies and a Macy’s coupon and told me that “I had my chance.” And now…”it was over. For realz.”
But alas, with a heavy heart, my friends dragged me back to the bus from the hairiest man that ever got away. Kind of like.
2. Spraying Mass Amounts Of Whip Cream Into The Face Of The Innocent
I was both a culprit AND a victim of this ruthless (yet, delicious) endeavor.
There I was.
Minding my own business.
Not at all entranced by the threesome that was going on in front of my very eyes…
I witnessed my friend Josh, and his merciless…merciless ways.
The next thing I know, my sinless friend Bee was the first victim of his delicious attack. And the evidence is conveniently documented below:
3. Taking Sentimental PhotoBooth Pics With Close Friends And Then…Drunkenly Tweeting And Emailing Out A Complete Stranger’s Picture From The Booth Instead Using My Own Personal Accounts.
The picture taken:
…The picture that showed up in my inbox and twitter feed…that subsequently blasted out to all of my family and friends at 1 a.m that very night…
4. Breaking It The Fuck Down—Shamelessly
I lost it.
Every New York City local knows they gamble their credibility if they by CHOICE frolick in Times Square.
And even worse?
Dance in it.
5. Get A Sincere Spanking…From The Statue Of Liberty
Still heartbroken over my recent break up with Chewbacca, my friends attempted to lift my spirits in the most genuine of ways. They said they would find someone taller. Cleaner. Less hairy. More famous. And a little more…”adventurous,” if you will.
And that’s when we saw him.
The statue of fucking liberty.
Losing vision in sheer excitement, the gang and I decided to snap an impromptu photo with my new main squeeze.
But unfortunately the saying “My love don’t cost a thing” is a motto that is apparently J.Lo exclusive.
Because a mere $2 bribe from my friend Charlie later…
And the statue of liberty was suddenly bending over and spanking his ACTUAL interest of choice…
Actual footage of the bribe captured below for your enjoyment:
6. Snapping A Pic With Asian Tourists…Against Their Will.
But definitely happened.
7. Intimately Feeding Each Other…McChickens and Hot Dogs.
8. Free Live Male Entertainment
And there you have it. 8 ways that I began to roll fucking tide into my 25th year of being a mildly sane and miraculously alive human being. Out of this world shoutout to the people who made it epic and (somehow) unforgettable. Charlie, Harper, Nicole, Kyle (both), Bee, Snell, Leah, Megan, Lexi, Suley, Alex (both), Asian Amy, Mario, Krissy, Jenn, Andrea, Britt, Katie (both), Tucker, Josh, Emily, Paul, Carolyn, Anthony, Socrates, Kip and Kalen.
But that’s it.