8 Ways I Celebrated My Quarter Life Awesome

April 29th 2014

Story originally written and experienced: April 19th 2014

It was a dark and stormy night.

And nobody gave a SHIT.

And not a single shit was given.

No shits given here.


The occasion was this:

It was my 25th birthday and I was on a relentless vendetta to celebrate the shiza out of my miraculous survival through life thus far…my survival only being labeled as miraculous because.

…Well because.

In the last year I had invested my time in some pretty ridiculous mischief. Kind of like:

Getting slammed…into a wall by a rogue Scottish bachelor in Prague.

You'd think he'd buy me dinner first. #hedidnt

…Needless to say we didn’t work out.


Jumping on a 50 person party bus to New Jersey where I had apparently had such an absurdly good time I…completely missed the bus ride home resulting in….a lonely party of…1.

Party of 1.

Completely unaware I have no ride home.


And investing in an impromptu ski ball challenge with…a drunk baby jesus imposter.

Classic mix up.

Classic mix up.


And this night was no different.

Specifically because.

I rented a bus. For me. And 30 people. And it was swanky. And it was nice.

Look at you. Bein all swanky and nice.

Look at you. Bein all swanky and nice.


And then I filled it with friends.

Friends. Sometimes they glow in the dark. Friends.

Friends. Sometimes they glow in the dark. Friends.


Requesting the driver to take us anywhere and potentially…everywhere in the grand land of New York City.

First stop: everywhere.

When you get the chance, Joey.


Once on board, we…inspected the equipment.

Just doing our due diligence.

Just doing our due diligence.



And once approved, were finally ready to roll the fuck out.

Shout out to the unidentified breeze on the bus that conveniently became available for this picture.

Shout out to the unidentified breeze on the bus that conveniently became available for this picture.


And that’s when it started. All of it. The batshit episodes that occurred on this batshit journey to kick start another year of absurd adventures—redefine my quarter life crisis as a quarter life AWESOME. And roll the fuck forth with the best company I could possibly find.


A “nature slut”, a distraught bear, a jerseyite who is exceptional at pointing and a tranquilized friend named Suley to name a few.


And we did it. Invested in epic episodes in attempt to top the ones that had occurred just one year before.

And they were only labeled as epic because.

…Well because.

 8 Ways I Celebrated My Quarter Life Awesome


1. Igniting A Temporary Romance With A Faux Fur Chewbacca

The story was this.

On our lengthy cruise around the big apple that evening, I made the hasty decision to stop in Times Square. Enthusiastic, joyous, and incredibly inebriated in my attempts to be photographed with the costumed locals and perhaps even score an autograph or 3.

What dreams are made of.

What dreams are made of.


And then I saw him.

All of him.

All of him and his lustrous locks.

All of him and his lustrous locks that he was sporting with…a backpack and simultaneously…


And I just…I couldn’t resist.


No resisting here.


I walked >>>> over to him. S l o w l y. And we began to converse.

“Can I…take a picture with you?” I said with romantic intentions and very limited motor skills.

“Yes…yes you can,” he said sweetly, “for $10…bitch.”

It was love.

I'm okay with it.

For it.

But not for long.

After a lengthy sifting session through my bottomless purse, Chewie grew displeased with my collected 4 dimes, 3 pennies and a Macy’s coupon and told me that “I had my chance.” And now…”it was over. For realz.”


Chewie, please.

But alas, with a heavy heart, my friends dragged me back to the bus from the hairiest man that ever got away. Kind of like.


Get your shit together, Olive.



 2. Spraying Mass Amounts Of Whip Cream Into The Face Of The Innocent


 I was both a culprit AND a victim of this ruthless (yet, delicious) endeavor.

There I was.

 Minding my own business.

Not at all entranced by the threesome that was going on in front of my very eyes…




When suddenly.

I witnessed my friend Josh, and his merciless…merciless ways.

No man is safe.

No man is safe.


The next thing I know, my sinless friend Bee was the first victim of his delicious attack. And the evidence is conveniently documented below:

"It's just a snack" he said.

“This is normal,” he said.


"I also completely ran out of napkins." he said.

“You can trust me” he said.


"Don't act like you didn't like it." he said.

“No one’s watching.” he reassured.


She liked it.

“No this won’t be on the blog.” he relayed.


A lot.


3. Taking Sentimental PhotoBooth Pics With Close Friends And Then…Drunkenly Tweeting And Emailing Out A Complete Stranger’s Picture From The Booth Instead Using My Own Personal Accounts.

The picture taken:


Sentimental as shit.


…The picture that showed up in my inbox and twitter feed…that subsequently blasted out to all of my family and friends at 1 a.m that very night…

What the.



4. Breaking It The Fuck Down—Shamelessly

That’s right.

I lost it.


Every New York City local knows they gamble their credibility if they by CHOICE frolick in Times Square.

And even worse?

Dance in it.


Tell no one.

Wildly guilty.

I call this move "Uncle Sam."

I call this move “Uncle Sam.”


5. Get A Sincere Spanking…From The Statue Of Liberty

That’s right.

Still heartbroken over my recent break up with Chewbacca, my friends attempted to lift my spirits in the most genuine of ways. They said they would find someone taller. Cleaner. Less hairy. More famous. And a little more…”adventurous,” if you will.

Not too much to ask.

I will.

And that’s when we saw him.

The statue of fucking liberty.

The ultimate in selfies.

The ultimate in selfies.


Losing vision in sheer excitement, the gang and I decided to snap an impromptu photo with my new main squeeze.

My man.

Go green.


But unfortunately the saying “My love don’t cost a thing” is a motto that is apparently J.Lo exclusive.

Because a mere $2 bribe from my friend Charlie later…

And the statue of liberty was suddenly bending over and spanking his ACTUAL interest of choice…

statue of liberty spanking

Things I did not see coming: This.


Actual footage of the bribe captured below for your enjoyment:

6. Snapping A Pic With Asian Tourists…Against Their Will.

Slightly racist.

But definitely happened.


The double chokehold. Nice.


7. Intimately Feeding Each Other…McChickens and Hot Dogs.

Oh baby.

Diets going well.

And finally

8. Free Live Male Entertainment

And there you have it. 8 ways that I began to roll fucking tide into my 25th year of being a mildly sane and miraculously alive human being. Out of this world shoutout to the people who made it epic and (somehow) unforgettable. Charlie, Harper, Nicole, Kyle (both), Bee, Snell, Leah, Megan, Lexi, Suley, Alex (both), Asian Amy, Mario, Krissy, Jenn, Andrea, Britt, Katie (both), Tucker, Josh, Emily, Paul, Carolyn, Anthony, Socrates, Kip and Kalen.

But that’s it.