13 Impossible Rescue Tactics For A Crab In Distress

November  4th 2012

The other day I invested in this casual social interaction which I like to call the “It’s pretty clear to me you’re busy stalking people right now…but hey wanna talk anyway?” chat. Or as other people like to call it “Facebook Chat”

This amusing go around twas with my childhood friend, Tanner. And what started as non-sensical banter about trees, the orphanage we recently shacked up in 2 weeks prior, and pita chips, somehow ended up in a full-blown list about…crabs

…hermit crabs…that is.

The latter half of the conversation went like this:

Tanner P.

  • Whoa…I guess that tree is about our age…

    Suppose I could call him a friendly peer

    I shall name him Elliot Sebastian Brian Olmstead

  • Olive
  •   Hey is it weird that I like the name Sebastian?
  • No. I have a hermit crab named Sebastian

    From under dee sea.

  •  …This is brand new information about you that I simply did not know before.
  •  Well he doesn’t live with me. He stays at Emma’s house with Ulysses and Whitey the sand crab

    …All of which we drunkenly shoved into a Goldschlager bottle when we were at the beach a few weeks ago

    …And now we don’t know how to get them out

    soo we just keep throwing some cheez-its in the bottle and…they are still alive somehow

  •  …I can’t believe this all derived from me saying “Hey is it weird that I like the name Sebastian” and you were all like “No way dude.  And here’s why”
  •  Have I said too much?
  •  No you said the perfect amount. In fact, I’m  going to snowball off of that and say this:

    This past weekend I went to my friend Nicole’s house in Maryland and her 6 year old brother had this container of woolly worms. What are woolly worms you ask?


    *copy paste google image link*

  • What the actual fuck


    Anyway, turns out they super like Kettle corn.

  •  HAHHAHAHAHA…nice. Also i’ve heard that bumble bees like vienna sausages
    ^ thats a lie ^
  •  You don’t know that’s a lie. Unless proven otherwise,  let’s go forth acknowledging the fact that Vienna Sausages are definitely a favored snack of the bumblebee. Also, I should write a blog entry of the 13 ways Sebastian can escape the Goldshlager bottle.
  •  HAHAHHA omg can you!??
  • Send me a pic of the crab in the bottle
    …Wow that is something I’d never thought I’d say.
  • Tanner P.
  • Ha okay!

    Can I help you come up with the 13?!

  • Fine.
  • I hope this blog doesn’t attract the attention of animal rights


  • Whatever

    And thus the list was born. Ladies and Gentlefriends, I present to you a carefully crafted list outlining the various/impossible escape tactics from a Goldschlager bottle in case you too, have a hermit crab in distress and can’t figure out how the fuck to get him out:

    13 Wildly Unlikely Tactics To Rescue Your Hermit Crab…

    From A Goldschlager Bottle.

    Home sweet…wait get me the fuck out of here.


    1. Cheez-it ladder

    2. A trail of bread crumbs. Straight up Hansel and Gretel style.

    3. Salt water combustable escape rocket.

    4. A classic game of leap hermit crab with fellow crustacean prisoner, Whitey.

    5. Launch Whitey out in hopes he comes back with help.

    6.  Realize Whitey’s totally never coming back…fuck.

     7. Contact Woolly worm. Inquire about the stability and dependability of kettle corn.

    8. Don’t go anywhere. You’re in a goddamn Goldschlager bottle for Christ’s sake. Float on flecks of gold! Like a boss.

    9. Handcraft a boomerang out of Ulysses’ claws throwing it out of the bottle, prompting it come back and break that shit open.

    10. Play dead. No wait never mind. No one will know the damn difference.

    11. Ram the side of the bottle until it tips over and shatters. Crustaceans…ASSEMBLE. Disclaimer: You’ll probably die.

    12.  Start playing LMFAO feat. Lil Jon’s “Shots” in hopes someone takes the bottle bottoms up (deal with the repercussions later)
    A few days later I began concoting an e-mail to Tanner presenting him with the finalized product of our surprisingly effortless brainstorm (who knew we had so many escape route suggestions for crabs…on hand…) Explaining to him that although we successfully named tactics 1-12. Tactic #13 was proving to be quite the bitch. To which he responded that…there was something he needed to tell me…that he…had terrible news…
    Turns out a few days prior, a friendly get together was thrown at Emma’s abode involving copious amounts of booze and various snacks.  Afterwards, an anonymous,  kind/murderous stranger drunkenly decided to “pitch in” and  assist in the clean up process…and by pitch in I mean recycle…and by recycle I mean…he picked up the Goldschlager bottle off the counter on his way out and…well…they…they didn’t make it.

    Tactic #13…Be recycled.


    And there you have it, the final and complete list of wildly unlikely tactics to assist your unwarranted crustacean in the event they require rescue from a Goldschlager bottle. But as a quick word of advice…sending them this list in advance would probably be for the best…just in case they get they get recycled beforehand…or something rare and unexpected like that.