12 Ways I Would Choose To Go (If Given The Choice)

May 10th 2013


These potent words struck the hearts of every co-worker near and far as they

echoed     t h r o u g h      my office hallways

and into >  the ears of my fellow,ever hungry employees.

Myself definitely included.

The story is this.

It was a standard Friday afternoon at our midtown 5th ave office. Papers were being printed, staplers were being stolen, chips were being purchased at partly stocked vending machine, and witty small talk by the microwave was in successful progression

When suddenly.

Cesar the messenger man wheeled onto the premises.

 Stopped the cart.  

 And said.

“Dennis. I have a package…And it’s for you.”

Dennis looked uP from his current task at hand, certain that the recent announcement delivered from Cesar was indeed, a mistake and told him that he in fact, wasn’t expecting a package. And he must have been looking for somebody else.

“Well,” Cesar said. “It’s specifically addressed to you.”

Perplexed and curious, Dennis retrieved the boxed package from Cesar’s cart and watched as Cesar slowly wheeled away. The box was heavy. And the bottom felt chilly against his spindly hands. He unfolded the first compartment of the box, triggering a loosely attached post it to








from the box and down to the floor that eventually broke its fall.  Dennis leaned down to retrieve the note.

It said:

i miss you

And 2 minutes later, an announcement was made from Dennis’ cubicle, containing even more heart-wrenching words that said this:


Immediately, these potent words struck the hearts of every co-worker near and far as they echoed     t h r o u g h      my office hallways and into >  the ears of my ever hungry, fellow employees.

Within seconds the  lot of us crowded around unveiled package and tore into this chilled masterpiece with classless style




And it twasn’t until we were face deep with chocolate on our cheeks and self-control left at our desks that we really sat down in food-coma induced style – and inquired with Dennis where this magnificently free treat came from anyway?

“I’m not sure,” he told us. “But…I’m pretty sure it’s from my ex-girlfriend.”

Well all relayed a comforting




as we shoveled more cheesecake into our mouths and chuckled in jovial glee until Tori casually said

“Hahaha. I can’t believe his ex-girlfriend sent this to him. It’s probably poisoned!”

Dead Silence.

Forks were

dropped instantaneously.

Bites of cheesecake, sacrificially tossed into the nearest trash can.

Sheer overreactions displayed by every cheesecake participator from every cube near and far

the office gif



Somewhere within the recently evoked silence, a small scraping noise threaded through the stunned panic. It was coming from the

far corner of the table.

…It was Olive.

Cheesecake…still in hand.




Suddenly I could feel the horrified stares from the rest of the employed lot  staring into my soul like this:

judgment gif

Distraught and confused at my lack of reaction, my dear  co-workers questioned my decision to continue eating a potentially poisoned cheesecake in lieu of the circumstances, to which I responded sans class

“Hey man. This is probably the way I’d want to go anyway. WORTH IT.”

To with which they responded.

oprah gif

And with this fresh confession sparked by the lot of us, followed an absurd brainstorm of how, if given the choice,  we would we would accidentally blow this popsicle stand called life. And IF we really were given the choice, we should definitely have a few preferences on standby. So we will be prepared and proud at the precise stroke of our exit dance.



And thus I created a list. In case you too ate a potentially poisoned cheesecake, and you too have your life flashing before your ideas in wonderment, and curious as to how else this shit could have possibly gone down.

12 Ways I Would Prefer To Go (If Given The Choice)

1. Unicorn piercing to the chest. < Shit’s MAGICAL.

And if there isn’t a unicorn around. This guy will have to do:

unicorn gif

2. Poppin champagne straight to the temple

champagne gif


3. Suffocating  via puppy pile




4. Choking on excellent guacamole




5. Swedish massage gone violent via HOTT underwear model

You can do whatever you goddamn please.

I’m not mad.


Or if you’re into chicks:

You're not mad.

You’re not mad either.


6. Telling off every single asshole you’ve ever wanted to be straight up with. And making a badass exit directly afterwards.

see ya later gif

So yeah. That’s about all I had to say about that.


7. Spontaneous combustion due to the world’s greatest…orgasm

So yeah hook up was good.

Yeah no he’s a really nice guy.

8. Dance to the death

(wait for it)


9. You finally reach the top of your journey to the peak of Mt. Kilimanjaro when suddenly you make an unfortunate slip on a sedimentary pebble and…







All the way down. Tragic but…BY GOD does it make an epic youtube remix.



10.Mcdonald’s overload

Probably the way she would have wanted to go.

Probably the way she would have wanted to go.

11. Swimming with dolphins….rogue dolphins.

It's just a matter of time...

It was all fun and games until.


12. Miscalculate location of plat form 9 3/4

Nope. That's not it.

Nope. That’s not it.


So yeah let me end this satirically morbid post by telling you 3 things.

1. I’d prefer it if you didn’t die

2. I’d prefer it if I didn’t die

3. If either of us are going to die,  here’s to hoping it’s as epic as riding a rogue dolphin.

And in the meantime keep doing the damn thing with a little help from the Bee Gees:

stayin alive

Shout out to Charlie, Bentley Cooper, Tori, and Kate for your surprisingly on-hand contributions….