May 10th 2013
These potent words struck the hearts of every co-worker near and far as they
echoed t h r o u g h my office hallways
and into > the ears of my fellow,ever hungry employees.
Myself definitely included.
The story is this.
It was a standard Friday afternoon at our midtown 5th ave office. Papers were being printed, staplers were being stolen, chips were being purchased at partly stocked vending machine, and witty small talk by the microwave was in successful progression
Cesar the messenger man wheeled onto the premises.
Stopped the cart.
“Dennis. I have a package…And it’s for you.”
Dennis looked uP from his current task at hand, certain that the recent announcement delivered from Cesar was indeed, a mistake and told him that he in fact, wasn’t expecting a package. And he must have been looking for somebody else.
“Well,” Cesar said. “It’s specifically addressed to you.”
Perplexed and curious, Dennis retrieved the boxed package from Cesar’s cart and watched as Cesar slowly wheeled away. The box was heavy. And the bottom felt chilly against his spindly hands. He unfolded the first compartment of the box, triggering a loosely attached post it to
from the box and down to the floor that eventually broke its fall. Dennis leaned down to retrieve the note.
And 2 minutes later, an announcement was made from Dennis’ cubicle, containing even more heart-wrenching words that said this:
Immediately, these potent words struck the hearts of every co-worker near and far as they echoed t h r o u g h my office hallways and into > the ears of my ever hungry, fellow employees.
Within seconds the lot of us crowded around unveiled package and tore into this chilled masterpiece with classless style
And it twasn’t until we were face deep with chocolate on our cheeks and self-control left at our desks that we really sat down in food-coma induced style – and inquired with Dennis where this magnificently free treat came from anyway?
“I’m not sure,” he told us. “But…I’m pretty sure it’s from my ex-girlfriend.”
Well all relayed a comforting
as we shoveled more cheesecake into our mouths and chuckled in jovial glee until Tori casually said
“Hahaha. I can’t believe his ex-girlfriend sent this to him. It’s probably poisoned!”
Bites of cheesecake, sacrificially tossed into the nearest trash can.
Sheer overreactions displayed by every cheesecake participator from every cube near and far
Somewhere within the recently evoked silence, a small scraping noise threaded through the stunned panic. It was coming from the
far corner of the table.
…It was Olive.
Cheesecake…still in hand.
Suddenly I could feel the horrified stares from the rest of the employed lot staring into my soul like this:
Distraught and confused at my lack of reaction, my dear co-workers questioned my decision to continue eating a potentially poisoned cheesecake in lieu of the circumstances, to which I responded sans class
“Hey man. This is probably the way I’d want to go anyway. WORTH IT.”
To with which they responded.
And with this fresh confession sparked by the lot of us, followed an absurd brainstorm of how, if given the choice, we would we would accidentally blow this popsicle stand called life. And IF we really were given the choice, we should definitely have a few preferences on standby. So we will be prepared and proud at the precise stroke of our exit dance.
And thus I created a list. In case you too ate a potentially poisoned cheesecake, and you too have your life flashing before your ideas in wonderment, and curious as to how else this shit could have possibly gone down.
12 Ways I Would Prefer To Go (If Given The Choice)
1. Unicorn piercing to the chest. < Shit’s MAGICAL.
And if there isn’t a unicorn around. This guy will have to do:
2. Poppin champagne straight to the temple
3. Suffocating via puppy pile
4. Choking on excellent guacamole
5. Swedish massage gone violent via HOTT underwear model
Or if you’re into chicks:
6. Telling off every single asshole you’ve ever wanted to be straight up with. And making a badass exit directly afterwards.
7. Spontaneous combustion due to the world’s greatest…orgasm
8. Dance to the death
(wait for it)
9. You finally reach the top of your journey to the peak of Mt. Kilimanjaro when suddenly you make an unfortunate slip on a sedimentary pebble and…
All the way down. Tragic but…BY GOD does it make an epic youtube remix.
11. Swimming with dolphins….rogue dolphins.
12. Miscalculate location of plat form 9 3/4
So yeah let me end this satirically morbid post by telling you 3 things.
1. I’d prefer it if you didn’t die
2. I’d prefer it if I didn’t die
3. If either of us are going to die, here’s to hoping it’s as epic as riding a rogue dolphin.
And in the meantime keep doing the damn thing with a little help from the Bee Gees: