11 Phrases That Would Be Terrifying If Meant Literally

February 24th 2014

“He just turned around and said it to me…and that’s when I realized.”

“Said what? Realized what?”

“That what he said was so bizarre. Like it made sense…But shit was so weird.”

Tanner, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“This guy I know was telling me about his friend’s baby and I asked him if the baby was cute and he said ‘Oh yeah, so cute! So cute I could just eat him right up!”

“That’s normal. People say that all the time.”

“No I know but that’s the point. There’s a lot of weird ass sayings out there that we say all the time and don’t even realize how fucking weird it is until people like me get all awkward and point it out.”

 “Like what?”

Tanner, Malcolm, Charlie and Olive present:

11 Common Phrases That Would Be Terrifying If Meant Literally

1. Your baby is so cute I could just eat him right up!

The fuck.

…Recent babysitter opening.

2. I’d love to take you out sometime

Not what I...had in...mind...

But like actually though.

3. You are what you eat



4. That cost me an arm and a leg!

And I now travel via inconvenient orange bubble.

Seems worth it.

5. Don’t have a cow

Family road trip just got complicated.

Makes carpooling complicated


 6.  Don’t shit where you eat

I know too much.

I know too much.


7. Bored to death (terrible obituary)
R.I.P Stanley

RIP, Stanley

8. Give someone a hand (Keep it you might need it. For important tasks…like this)
fake hand gif
9. Cat’s got your tongue 
Ruthless bastard.

Ruthless bastard.


10. Let’s blow this popsicle stand!

(cue in the back up plan)



11. My eyes are bigger than my stomach!

This bitch.

This bitch.


And there you have it. 11 common sayings that for no reason will make you feel weird about from this day forth. So happy daily conversing! And kwanzaa. And pie day. And also Tuesday. Potentially high five day. And if that’s the case:

I got you.

I got you.