May 23rd 2014

I knew it.

You were curious.

And I was too.

Curious about wtf makes the average lady tingle and quite frankly, want to mingle.

And what straight up doesn’t.

That’s why Olive and Silvia present:

10 Deal Breakers That Make Total Sense—Girl Edition

1. The Conversation Whore

You know this guy.

Hell, you might even BE this guy.

(don’t be that guy)

Flawlessly reverting every.damn.conversation BACK TO HIM in a VERY hardcore and relentless way. Not using his wit, NOT using his charm, but rather, cutting off every vent session and wildly personal confession near and far with an incessant

Probably not true.

It doesn’t matter what you damn say.

Doesn’t matter. 

This one-upping super star will ALWAYS have a WORSE day and BIGGER accomplishment. So don’t even try to bring out the big gun conversation killers like:

Because this dude will STILL BE LIKE

How. Just. How.

2. Unnecessary Beef With Harry Potter 

 Essentially.

WHAT DON’T YOU GET.

H.Pizzle haters all over the world are unknowingly breaking deals with potential lady friends from coast to fucking coast because they just can’t seem to be cool with a baldie (with questionable skin problems…and definitely nose problems) stalking a wizard for 7 straight years.

“Has anyone seen my boy Harry?!”

But that’s cool.

I get it.

Except that I don’t.

3. High-Horse Hoodrats

A royalty in the deal breaker community (or so they’d like to think).

Bow down.

This clan is notorious for saying just about every ignorant and pretentious thing in the book from

Left

to fucking

Right

For just no reason at all.

What a dick.

Imagine this.

You’re at a party and shit’s going relatively awesome #someonebroughtfood when suddenly a decent looking fellow strikes your fancy with a side of conversation. BUT THEN LIKE 3 terribly absurd opinions about Mexico or the impoverished and a racist joke later you kind of wanna just be like…just…

 be….

…like

Bai.

4. Inappropriate use of mandals

What’s a mandal?

My condolences, Serge.

Listen.

Wear them to the beach if you must.

STRAP THEM ON for a hott summer’s day bbq if that really has to be your jam.

But THINK AGAIN before you buckle those bad boys for the clubs and hit the town with your fellow mandal-wearing dudes. For when you do, your dance-floor sex appeal will be easily be the equivalent of:

That will later turn into accurate feedback that looks like:

5. Taking Liberties When Food Is Involved

Some serious ground rules need to be discussed here. Lemme break it down for you.

A. Mi food isn’t always tu food. None-a this:

None-a this.

b. On the contrary. Having the incapacity to share your own snacks could prove for some serious backend gossip and confrontations. Sort of like:

Preach.

That’s what I’m sayin.

Double standard? I think yes.

c. Basic food etiquette

Listen. If I’m trying to show you the fuck off to my family and my friends. Do not order the pasta special and do NOT eat it like this:

Thanks.

6. No Friends

A homeboy with no friends. Kinda freaks me out.

Wait…where are your friends.

Even if he has one. And he’s just a straight up shitty one. Or he’s got some. And they just straight up don’t like him. Well then. I am willing and at the ready to shoot him a text that says this:

Sent.

7.  A Healthy Relationship With Basic Fitness

Do you work out?

Excellent.

 Do you talk about it unprovoked, cancel plans to do so and  rip your shirt off at every fleeting chance?

A literal fleeting chance…

II Motherfucking pause. II

Thing is. I like a bro with a decent body—arms strong enough to call the pizza guy and abs so hard he can do a serious crunch towards the coffee table whenst asked to pass the remote.

But unless I’m getting a personal show.

Thanks.

Keep that shit to yourself. If you look good. And you work out a lot. We’ll know. End of story.

8. Wildly Racist

So this one time I told this dude I was half Korean. And then he asked me what part of China that was in. And I said it’s not in China it’s a separate country. And that’s when I realized that I had completely and utterly blown his mind. But only because he was looking at me with sheer panic like:

Surprise.

Other than the fact that I coincidentally ran into this man at the gym the next day, consequently sharing touching treadmills and avoiding eye contact in the mirrored wall for a lofty amount of minutes, I was praying to the free-weight gods that I would NEVER have to see this ridiculous individual again. Because I didn’t like him. And he sort of reminded me of the other people people roaming free in their confused, confused ways.

 You know, those casual fucks who have quick touchbases with society like:

Judge yourself.

Or posing trick questionnaires on the regular like:

ALL THE ABOVE.

And to all of you, I think we ALL say:

Mmmmhmmm.

9. A Pushy Patty

A Dramatic Dan.

An Overreactive Olga.

A Sensitive Sebastian.

Don’t matter what nomenclature you throw at this diva, the simple fact of the matter is, they’re crazy as FUCK. Always demanding demands that don’t need demanding and internally melting the fuck down when someone cancels plans. Where will I find him? Easily at a diner crying grilled cheese tears over Diane’s last-minute change of plans:

Called it.

Just be this guy.

Just…be him.

Quick fix.

10. If My Friends Don’t Like You…

I don’t like you.

And there you have it. 10 sensible deal breakers that explain just about everything.

Or potentially nothing at all. I’m willing to take that gamble. Especially if it involves pie:

Worth it.

Read the guy version here.