April 15th 2013
I noticed it the other day.
As I was walking into my office, I approached the elevator pressed the button.
The elevator doors opened
I stepped inside
The doors were >> << about to close
But Debbie happened to
DAMN YOU DEBBIE
Now it’s just the 2 of us.
And it feels like this:
Don’t make eye contact
DON’T DO IT
“How are you?”
Uncomfortable eye contact Uncomfortable eye contact.
I’m sick of your shit Debbie.
I’m sick of your boring shit.
Let’s spice this things up. If life is going to force us to go through these ridiculously frequent encounters on a regular basis, then why not make things a little more spicy. A little more weird. A little more awkward. Not like the hook up with Marc Anthony spicy, weird, and awkward. But like doing the tango with Seth Rogen spicy, weird, and awkward.
I created a list. In case you too find yourself stuck in an uncomfortable elevator ride with a stranger named Debbie.
Or making hasty pace towards an acquaintance on the sidewalk.
Or having chat stew with a distant relative.
Or just need something to do right now because you’re bored and this post is the closest thing you’ve got to eye candy.
And you too need an alternative response to how you fucking are.
11 Alternative Responses to “How Are You?”
1. Mime it.
2. Speak another language entirely
3. Look them straight in the eye and do the exit dance. What’s the exit dance? This:
4. Say nothing. Just make this look over and over again until they back the fuck off.
5. Break down in hysterics.
6. Inflict a spontaneous a riddle. Tell them they have 30 seconds to answer correctly or the room will implode. Only ask serious questions such as this:
7. Get philosophical
8. Whisper sweet nothings in their ear.
9. Get Violent
10. Tell them you’re great. You went to your nephews b-day party over the weekend and want to show them a picture of him. Put the following picture in their hands. Walk the fuck away.
11. Fast-pitch them a compliment
So yeah. I think that pretty much covers it. You should now be well-prepared and quite versatile for any casual passerby that comes your way. I look forward to the day you and I run into each other and simultaneously attempt the same tactics in a panic. You can have bacon riddle since I call premature dibs on the exit dance.