August 1st 2013
She told me to move out.
And she meant what she said.
“You need to move on to bigger and better things, Olive. And you need to do it now.”
I wasn’t entirely sure what to say.
And I never thought she’d actually ask me to do it.
But she did.
And the story goes like this:
Decided it was time to bounce.com from our New York City frat house and migrate to a larger abode. A nicer one. A straight up DIFFERENT one. Realizing that – as grown adults, we very much deserved the fine (ish) things in life via well-deserved salaries we had been hoarding along the goddamn way.
…And then swiftly realized upon fruitless searching that: We’re still broke as shit.
And we’re not going a DAMN place.
At least not yet.
So we decided that well-respected adulthood would have to wait another goddamn year…and in the meantime would continue to post informative decor sprinkled around our apartment during housewarming parties such as this:
But the thing is.
She told me to move out.
She still told me to move out.
“But why, Charlie?” I asked her “What do you mean?”
“Well Olive. For the last 2 years in this apartment. You’ve been stuck in the smallest room in the apartment. And you’ve never complained once. So. I’d like you to move out…and into my room. And I’ll move into yours. Because that shit’s fair.”
To which I said:
Triggering an onslaught of belongings to pile up in our living room, ready to be a part of the grand switching event.
And in the midst of our moving shenanigans I remember Charlie and I began recapping. Dreaming…if you will…About the next year. And all the adulthood things that were awaiting us on the other side mid twenties mountain. Like: Velveeta. And. Not using socks 3 times before laundry day #justme? And. Not behaving as if lending a friend $5 is the equivalent of giving away your first born child
SO we created a list. In case you too graduated college and want to know wtf kind of shiza you deserve after years of educational/leashed B.S., and you too need something to do…other than what you’re supposed to be doing right now.
10 Things Post Grads Fuckin Deserve
1. Real cups
Having a lady friend over? Perhaps a few guests? Want to have an after-evening beverage without combining it with…another evening’s beverage?
Listen to me.
Unless you’re reliving the glory days or throwing household ragers at 28.
And the new guys?
Barging in was real cute and all when it involved my mom, college roommates and sometimes the homeless, but sometimes JUST SOMETIMES I feel as if the post grad contract should come with some fine print that says:
Can dance in underpants unsupervised/without the off-chance that an unwarranted someone will show the fuck up
Can throw a party without the approval or worry of anyone other co-existing human in the residential vicinity.
Live solo. Or with a roommate. Maybe even someone that gets in your damn pants, vice versa. But as a grown adult. You deserve to rock out with your socks out whenever you goddamn please.
3. Not being told what to do for the first time EVER
Be home by 10? NOPE. Don’t eat too much captain crunch? I DON’T THINK SO. 20 page paper due tomorrow WITH REFERENCES IN MLA FORMAT.
Never mind we’ve sold our souls to the working world, trading in grades for sacrificial staplers
But our free time? Decisions? Food pyramid violations? Are in OUR OWN shaky hands. So don’t EVEN go here:
4. Keep your good friends. Ditch the rest.
You know them.
Friends/existent by association (maybe) but pretty wompy when you get up close and personal.
Sure you laugh at their jokes from time to time.
Maybe share some chicken wings at a mutual friends get together.
But once you graduate BA-BAM.
You are now only connected by a mere Facebook friendship that you can lol about with your friends a couple of years later like:
5. Fine (ish) dining
Say bye bye to stale pasta and leftover chinese.
And say WHAT’S UP to: BETTER stale pasta and MORE leftover chinese. Because as adults. (Who seemingly have more than $8 and a paper clip in our pockets.)
We DESERVE the luxury to order their General Tso chicken WITH a side of goddamn rice. What’s that? Do I want the combo? FUCK YES I DO. Why? Because I’m an egg roll eaten post grad who can (somewhat) AFFORD an extra order of crab rangoon. WITH EASE.
6. Being taken semi-seriously
It’s not that we don’t think you’re smart or quite simply kick ASS.
…It’s just that.
When I see picz of you like this:
Trolling my goddamn newsfeed. Humans over the age of 23 are most likely are gonna revoke your street cred and react with incredible amounts of judgment and jealousy.
But please understand.
I’ve untagged a lot of pictures to get to where I am today….
7. Embracing my guilty pleasures without fear or judgment
So maybe I like to crank up Britney Spears when I’m making Mexican food and maybe I like to dip my pizza in 6 different sauces. And MAYBE I watch the Burger King chicken fry commercial via 2006 on a weekly basis because it makes me laugh so goddamn much ( Click this you won’t regret it…but then like come back because we were hanging out.)
Gone are the days of quickly shutting my computer screen in the library so I wouldn’t be labeled as “Chicken fry girl”.
Gone are the nearby latte sippin seniors that are like:
And gone are the days of me giving a flying fuck.
Britney and chimichangas?
HERE I COME.
8. Owning shit
Just to clarify. I don’t mean like “I chugged 8 beers at that party and told bitches what’s up” – type owning shit.
But like…actually owning shit.
HELLO REAL BED THAT WASN’T PASSED DOWN THROUGH 8 GENERATION OF COLLEGE KIDS AND HAS AN ARRAY OF UNMENTIONABLE STAINS.
WHAT’S UP INVESTMENT ELECTRONIC TOOTHBRUSH
WHAT’S GOOD MAHOGANY STIRRING SPOON READY TO WHIP UP SOME TREATS FOR POTENTIALLY NO ONE BUT MYSELF.
9. A (relatively) stable romance
Listen. Plunging into a 3-way romance salsa with Frat bro A and Sorority chick C may sound like the fucking jam. But we’re OVER THAT SHIT.
I had this group of guy friends once that were like:
And I told them they were full of shit.
And then we got bagels.
But before that I explained to them that YES. We do deserve to have your romantic shit pulled together. And be treated like goddamn ladies and gentlemen!
And in the meantime.
Invest copious amounts of laughter in worthwhile cat memes:
10. Alcohol that doesn’t double as lighter fluid
Ask yourself this.
Are you throwing a barbecue
Are you fresh out of lighter fluid?
Are you saving the day by using your stash of vodka instead?
Get your shit together, man.
YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THAT.
Maybe not much.
But definitely more.
All we really deserve is a bar that doesn’t smell of vomit and regret. Verification that wine DOES come from something outside a box. Beer DOES come in quantities less than 30. And finally. Vodka doesn’t have to be a strong alternate for mace.
And there you have it. 10 reasonable requests from the postgrads that remind you that throwing down for that extra egg roll and dancing in your underpants unsupervised is a goddamn earned privilege! Now if you’ll excuse me…I’ve got some more untagging to do…