10 Reasons Adulthood Left My Birthday Party

April 19th 2013

Happy Birthday!

...to me...

…to this crazy asshole ^

A.k.a.

Happy – I exist because my rents apparently didn’t wrap it and I feel weird about that but I guess it’s all good because now I’m all alive and shit – Day

Happy – Put cake in my face – Day

Happy – Was once gifted toys and t-shirts, now I’m drunk and I don’t know where I am – Day

Happy – Do something productive? Lololol. – Day

Happy –  I was going to unfriend you because you’re a stranger, but then you wished the shit out of my birthday via Fbook wall…So looks like we’re (tentatively) virtual friends for life  – Day

Happy –  No no really you don’t have get my anything! (I’m a liar) – Day

Happy – Get in a scary white van with a haitian name Genevieve in Brooklyn and somehow still be alive to tell the tale – Day

^

Let’s talk about this:

(LOOK AWAY MOM)

 Last weekend I celebrated my 24th year of miraculous survival. And I only say miraculous because of all the bullshit shenanigans I seem to invest myself into i.e.:

Getting trapped in a park completely alone at 1 am.

Getting trapped in a park at 1 a.m.

You’re a fucking disaster, Olive.

 

No questions asked -accepting a ride from a lunatic on the streets of New York – half dressed like spider man in his homemade buggy.

Very willingly accepting a ride from a lunatic on the streets half dressed like spider man in his homemade buggy.

Ill-advised…

 

 

Starting drama with a gigantic unicorn/human hybrid because apparently those exist.

Starting shit with a gigantic human/unicorn hybrid and expecting that not to be a problem.

I exist because my rents forgot to wrap it. You?

 

Sliding like a fucking maniac at the local playground.

Sliding like a mania at the local playgrounds.

I’m a goddamn animal.

 

Consensus?

I’m immortal as shit.

And also an idiot.

…But a very fun idiot

^

(Remind me to copy and paste that shit into my future online dating profile)

And one should always be a fun idiot on their goddamn day of birth (< Anniversary that shit. You can only be so idiotic when you’re 7 pounds, blind and immobile.)

^

(Get at me Hallmark)

SO.

Here I am. At the ripe age of 24. Expected to take on the world, swirl a mimosa in my hand and say things “These new kitchen towels are ROCKING MY WORLD.”

 But.

I’m not.

In fact.

My kitchen towels blow (clearance) and I use them to half dry my plastic cups. And after the absurdity that unraveled this very weekend, I can’t help but think adulthood showed up to my life party just.a.little.too.early. Like, I’m still dancing around in my penguin pajamas and already taste-tested 5 jello shots I made for the shit show that’s about to go down at my crib – but yeah thanks for getting here uncomfortably in advance, adulthood, and bringing your best friend responsibility – kind of early.

Let me explain. And let me to recap. And tell you about my 3-day bash this past weekend. Why I originally invited adulthood and responsibility to my birthday party. Just to be nice. And why they left shortly thereafter. But only because they just couldn’t seem to get along with youth, questionable decisions and a stolen tambourine.

Warning: If you’re looking for pictures of cake, balloons and candid pictures of me laughing at my friend’s faces. This blog post is not for you.

ACTION.

10 Episodes That Made Adulthood Leave My Birthday Party

 

1. The Unintentioal drug deal

Here’s what happened. It’s 4 a.m. We’re dancing like classy mother fuckers and making hott faces like this:

Sexy as shit.

That’s hot shit.

 

When suddenly I get a late-night appetite for Lil Wayne. I wander over to the DJ station. Ready to swoon him with my drop dead sexy ways.:

Funky fresh.

Funky fresh.

I put in the request. He tells me to go choke on something and leave him alone. It was a good talk.

But 1/2 a whiskey ginger later I felt like talking again.

And again.

And again.

3 more times after that.

I even brought out the big guns and rallied my friends to ruin his light show like this:

Put us on a LEASH.

Put us on a LEASH.

 

And eventually he pulled my wasian ass to the side. And told me that I needed to step the fuck off. That “Little Wayne” was NOT going to happen and if I just took this, would I please just go home?

And I shall call you "Mitch Jackson"

Hey hey Mitch Jackson.

 

 

…I went home.

 

2. Doing the worm and losing vision

Shortly before Mitch Jackson and I headed home, my amiga Ali came up to me with tequila eyes and told me that she had a surprise for me. A birthday surprise. A surprise that required me to hold her glasses. A surprise that looked like this:

Man in the back don't give a shit.

Man in the back don’t give a shit.

 

Man in the back thinking about giving a shit.

Man in the back thinking about giving a shit.

 

3 Shits given by the man in the back.

Man in the back giving approximately 3 shits.

 

Also, the answer is yes. Ali did leave her glasses at the bar and somehow managed to get home completely blind. But no worries, it only took 2 hours.

 

3. Convincing the entire bar to get barefoot and dance the fucking night away – thus gambling with the risk of STDS and/or any other unearthly disease.

Such an obedient crowd.

Such an obedient crowd.

 

"So Olive, how did get Leprosy?"

“So Olive, how did you get Leprosy again?”

4. Drinking In A Chimney…Again..

Other than Judson’s hand photographing in a terrifying way, this went rather well. Only minor cases of the black lung were reported.

Side effects include distorted hands.

WORTH IT.

 

5. Mistaking Celebrities for Cavemen.

I remember this moment precisely. I had just concluded a conversation with a stray labrador that wandered onto premises about feeling a little lost in life but hey also, was it cool if hitched a ride home later? Lolol”

IMG_2311

But seriously pick me up at 4.

When suddenly.

I noticed a man out of the corner of my eye. No. Wait it was another animal. No…a man. No! An animal. Idk. Maybe both. I leaned over to my friend Asian Amy for a brief brainstorm.

Hey thanks for the balloon! Also. Check out that caveman/bear hybrid in the corner of the bar.

Hey listen. Thanks for the balloon! Also. Check out that caveman/bear hybrid in the corner of the bar. HAHAHA.

 

Yeah turns out it was Adrian Grenier.

IMG_2346

Hey.

You know. That trick from entourage.

Things I like: This.

Things I like – This.

.

And that gem “Drive Me Crazy”

.

drive me crazy

Hover the fuck off Melissa Joan Hart.

 

Was he an asshole? Sure was. Can I blame him? Sure can’t. Did I talk to him? Sure didn’t. Scared of cavemen.

6. Getting In A Scary White Van With A Hatian Named Genevieve

Shortly after we bid a mental adieu to Adrian Caveman Grenier, Krissy, Nicole Detamble, And threw our arms but for the nearest cab and noticed a someone’s personal mini van stop directly

in front

___________________

of us

Krissy threw open the doors  immediately and requested our next location. He introduced himself as Genevieve. And…of course.. he would be happy to take us wherever our hearts desired.

"Your wish is my command, batshit girls in the back"

…I desire Burger King…

 

We laughed, we danced, we sang, we even told him it was my goddamn day of birth.

Genevieve wept.

 Told me everyone deserved good things on their birthday and he would be happy to give us a ride FOR FREE.

Olive wept.

And then had a photo shoot with his Hatian ass. (…actually just his face.)

"GET TO THE FRONT OLIVE" - Krissy.

HERE I COME GENEVIEVE.

 

Framable.

Fucking framable.

 

"Pose like a white girl!" Genevieve went with "Confused and hungry" - Nice.

“Pose like a white girl!” Genevieve went with “Confused and hungry” – Nice.

 

Mixed Emotions.

Thanks for the free ride. Shall swiftly launch our joint “Give White Vans A Chance!” Campaign first thing tomorrow morning.

 

 

7. Recruiting 2 Strangers For Birthday Lap Dances.

There I was. Double fisting the shit out of some potent margaritas

turkeys nest

Ole!

 

When Asian Amy told me to sit the fuck down because she had a surprise for me.

2 surprises actually.

They were lap dances.

And they were going to happen right now..

At the goddamn turkey’s nest.

Nothing sets the mood quite like the Turkey's Nest Tavern...

Nothing sets the mood quite like the Turkey’s Nest Tavern…

And after looking at these pictures, I’d like to take this moment to profusely apologize to anyone I’ve ever made these faces to. Particularly if  flirtation was involved.

AH

This is going well.

.

Irresistable.

What makes you think I don’t want this?

.

Sexy can I.

…Sexy can’t I.

 

Working on my sex appeal. I make no promises.

8. Buying $1,300 Worth Of Empanadas

Buying rounds of Cuban food is all fun and games until…

Buying rounds of empandas is all fun and games until...

Mother of empandas.

 

 

9. Crash a Karaoke Company Party And Steal Their Instruments

Earlier in the evening we invested in temporary friendships with a lad named Ian. He requested our presence at his company “Karaoke party” later that night but we said we simply didn’t want to intrude.

We were liars.

We intruded. Stole their tambourine.

And walked the fuck out.

But only so we could do this:

That's pretty much all I have to say about that.

Wild animals.

 

10. Make Homemade mimosas on the go whilst convincing a mariachi band to get on the subway with you and play “La Bamba” Until you’ve reached your final destination.

Success

Success

 

Success

Success

 

IMG_2388

I’d like to tell you that Ricardo didn’t toppled over with his accordion shortly after this picture was taken only because the of the train’s intense speed and abrupt stop but…he did. No casualties. Just an extended song break.

 

So yeah. That just about covers it. I shot adulthood and responsibility a mass text the next morning. Thanked them for coming out but said I probably wouldn’t be available to hang for another 8-33 years.

They didn’t text back.

Special shout out to my favorite clowns who celebrated my birthday with me.  I had that the most

Happy – I have no excuses for the shit I do and I probably never will so thanks for hanging out with me does anyone have a Gatorade also where did this tambourine come from-  Day

A wasian girl named Olive could ever ask for.

Cheers to 24 years of miraculous survival.

And filling it with the best damn stories and the best damn people I know.

IMG_2327

If you’re in this photo. I probably like you.

 

Krissy, Harper, Charlie, Nicole Detamble, Meg, Mario, Asian Amy, Kyle, Adam, Ali, Katie, Judson, Ben, Leah, Lindsay, Lexi, Suleymaan, Meredith, Natalie, Brady, Shane, Kate, Joe and Anthony.