April 19th 2013
Happy – I exist because my rents apparently didn’t wrap it and I feel weird about that but I guess it’s all good because now I’m all alive and shit – Day
Happy – Put cake in my face – Day
Happy – Was once gifted toys and t-shirts, now I’m drunk and I don’t know where I am – Day
Happy – Do something productive? Lololol. – Day
Happy – I was going to unfriend you because you’re a stranger, but then you wished the shit out of my birthday via Fbook wall…So looks like we’re (tentatively) virtual friends for life – Day
Happy – No no really you don’t have get my anything! (I’m a liar) – Day
Happy – Get in a scary white van with a haitian name Genevieve in Brooklyn and somehow still be alive to tell the tale – Day
Let’s talk about this:
(LOOK AWAY MOM)
Last weekend I celebrated my 24th year of miraculous survival. And I only say miraculous because of all the bullshit shenanigans I seem to invest myself into i.e.:
Sliding like a fucking maniac at the local playground.
I’m immortal as shit.
And also an idiot.
…But a very fun idiot
(Remind me to copy and paste that shit into my future online dating profile)
And one should always be a fun idiot on their goddamn day of birth (< Anniversary that shit. You can only be so idiotic when you’re 7 pounds, blind and immobile.)
(Get at me Hallmark)
Here I am. At the ripe age of 24. Expected to take on the world, swirl a mimosa in my hand and say things “These new kitchen towels are ROCKING MY WORLD.”
My kitchen towels blow (clearance) and I use them to half dry my plastic cups. And after the absurdity that unraveled this very weekend, I can’t help but think adulthood showed up to my life party just.a.little.too.early. Like, I’m still dancing around in my penguin pajamas and already taste-tested 5 jello shots I made for the shit show that’s about to go down at my crib – but yeah thanks for getting here uncomfortably in advance, adulthood, and bringing your best friend responsibility – kind of early.
Let me explain. And let me to recap. And tell you about my 3-day bash this past weekend. Why I originally invited adulthood and responsibility to my birthday party. Just to be nice. And why they left shortly thereafter. But only because they just couldn’t seem to get along with youth, questionable decisions and a stolen tambourine.
Warning: If you’re looking for pictures of cake, balloons and candid pictures of me laughing at my friend’s faces. This blog post is not for you.
10 Episodes That Made Adulthood Leave My Birthday Party
1. The Unintentioal drug deal
Here’s what happened. It’s 4 a.m. We’re dancing like classy mother fuckers and making hott faces like this:
When suddenly I get a late-night appetite for Lil Wayne. I wander over to the DJ station. Ready to swoon him with my drop dead sexy ways.:
I put in the request. He tells me to go choke on something and leave him alone. It was a good talk.
But 1/2 a whiskey ginger later I felt like talking again.
3 more times after that.
I even brought out the big guns and rallied my friends to ruin his light show like this:
And eventually he pulled my wasian ass to the side. And told me that I needed to step the fuck off. That “Little Wayne” was NOT going to happen and if I just took this, would I please just go home?
…I went home.
2. Doing the worm and losing vision
Shortly before Mitch Jackson and I headed home, my amiga Ali came up to me with tequila eyes and told me that she had a surprise for me. A birthday surprise. A surprise that required me to hold her glasses. A surprise that looked like this:
Also, the answer is yes. Ali did leave her glasses at the bar and somehow managed to get home completely blind. But no worries, it only took 2 hours.
3. Convincing the entire bar to get barefoot and dance the fucking night away – thus gambling with the risk of STDS and/or any other unearthly disease.
Other than Judson’s hand photographing in a terrifying way, this went rather well. Only minor cases of the black lung were reported.
5. Mistaking Celebrities for Cavemen.
I remember this moment precisely. I had just concluded a conversation with a stray labrador that wandered onto premises about feeling a little lost in life but hey also, was it cool if hitched a ride home later? Lolol”
I noticed a man out of the corner of my eye. No. Wait it was another animal. No…a man. No! An animal. Idk. Maybe both. I leaned over to my friend Asian Amy for a brief brainstorm.
Yeah turns out it was Adrian Grenier.
You know. That trick from entourage.
And that gem “Drive Me Crazy”
Was he an asshole? Sure was. Can I blame him? Sure can’t. Did I talk to him? Sure didn’t. Scared of cavemen.
6. Getting In A Scary White Van With A Hatian Named Genevieve
Krissy threw open the doors immediately and requested our next location. He introduced himself as Genevieve. And…of course.. he would be happy to take us wherever our hearts desired.
We laughed, we danced, we sang, we even told him it was my goddamn day of birth.
Told me everyone deserved good things on their birthday and he would be happy to give us a ride FOR FREE.
And then had a photo shoot with his Hatian ass. (…actually just his face.)
7. Recruiting 2 Strangers For Birthday Lap Dances.
There I was. Double fisting the shit out of some potent margaritas
When Asian Amy told me to sit the fuck down because she had a surprise for me.
2 surprises actually.
They were lap dances.
And they were going to happen right now..
At the goddamn turkey’s nest.
And after looking at these pictures, I’d like to take this moment to profusely apologize to anyone I’ve ever made these faces to. Particularly if flirtation was involved.
Working on my sex appeal. I make no promises.
8. Buying $1,300 Worth Of Empanadas
Buying rounds of Cuban food is all fun and games until…
9. Crash a Karaoke Company Party And Steal Their Instruments
Earlier in the evening we invested in temporary friendships with a lad named Ian. He requested our presence at his company “Karaoke party” later that night but we said we simply didn’t want to intrude.
We were liars.
We intruded. Stole their tambourine.
And walked the fuck out.
But only so we could do this:
10. Make Homemade mimosas on the go whilst convincing a mariachi band to get on the subway with you and play “La Bamba” Until you’ve reached your final destination.
So yeah. That just about covers it. I shot adulthood and responsibility a mass text the next morning. Thanked them for coming out but said I probably wouldn’t be available to hang for another 8-33 years.
They didn’t text back.
Special shout out to my favorite clowns who celebrated my birthday with me. I had that the most
Happy – I have no excuses for the shit I do and I probably never will so thanks for hanging out with me does anyone have a Gatorade also where did this tambourine come from- Day
A wasian girl named Olive could ever ask for.
Cheers to 24 years of miraculous survival.
And filling it with the best damn stories and the best damn people I know.