10 New Year’s Resolutions I Absolutely Must Share

December 29th 2014

Look at you.

You look good. #nothingweird

And as a good-looking person, I can see you pairing perfectly with a few good-looking goals.


Is why I mocked up a list.

Exclusively for you.

So you can greet this New Year with sheer badassery.

As. Fucking. Usual.

Penny Erikson and Olive present:

10 New Year’s Resolutions That Absolutely Need To Be Shared



1. Portion Out Your Pizza 

NOT to be mistaken with a diet, this delightfully delicious suggestion is really one of the most logical and selfless things you can do for yourself.


…Literally just about to tell you.




Instead of eating this tasty treat 3 times a week, space      that      shit    out into biweekly bliss SO when those joyous and decadent days do arrive you can be all like:


As opposed to:

Basic shit.

Not this shit again.



If you must eat pizza more than 3 times per week.




Make sure it has at least one vegetable on it.

And yes.

Extra tomato sauce counts.

don draper wink

2. Dial Down The Diva

Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.


No more drunk texting your ex.




NO MORE overreacting at restaurants when the waitress tells you she’s out of muenster cheese.

Get real.

Get real, Sheila.


And downsize on the profanity when things don’t exactly go your way.

Simmer down Diana.

Simmer down Diana.


Make this the year of zen. The year of “who in the hell cares”. The year of “okay I see this problem and I raise it a stellar nap and a good snack to get over it”.

And just for reference.

Feel free to use this picture of my sister circa 1996 as an absurdly good example.

Killin it.

Baby genius.



3. Attempt Relative Responsibility

What Kristin Wiig said.

What Kristin Wiig said.



Things we’re going to fucking rock at this year:

Not leaving our shit at the bar:

A not so minor detail.

A not so minor detail.


Locking ourselves out of our apartment less than 5 times a year/month/whatever:

6th times the charm.

6th time may not be the charm.


Handling things head on:





And after that.


4. Get Physical

Dudes: Thursday is now leg day.


Ladies: Thursday is now leg-shaving day

Or go all out.

Excellent technique.


Because every once in a semi-necessary while we deserve to twerk what we’ve damn got.


5. Limit Legging Abuse

Because remember.

Leggings are NOT replacement pants.

A gem of an example I found online.

A gem of an example I found online.

Wearing them is a privilege. NOT a right.

People who have not received this message = this guy.

…But apparently a left.



6. Clarify Your Man Bun

Just because you have a man bun.

Does NOT automatically make you Jared Leto.

Except for him.

Except for this guy.



Here are some man buns for your visual comparison/characterization convenience:

Opt for the Li Shang:

Mulan magnet.

Mulan magnet.


The Channing Tatum:

Do you believe in magic (mike)?

Do you believe in magic (mike)?


The B Coop:

Pat down at security alert.

Baby got back (pack).


And if you’re going for absurdly sexy

The Leo:

leo man bun

Like a fish out of water.



7.  Learn how to say “beer” and “bathroom” in every language

I would say learn the whole language.

But like.


Those are the only 2 words you need.

don draper gif

8.  Take More Naps

Do it.

So obedient.

So obedient.


Slow your roll from time to fricken time and sedate yourself on good times and hard work.

Throw on some Netflix.

And snooze so hard for a well-deserved break.

9. Take Down Your Christmas Tree Before The 4th Of July

Why the 4th of July?

Why not?!

All the reason you need.


The Christmas tree is a excellent decor to that snazzy Valentine’s date, perfect greenery for that wild St. Patty’s day party and incredibly appropriate for Jesus’ shin dig circa April.


Breach the 4th of July and that shit is FLAMMABLE, in the way and looking substantially more janky than it did 7 months prior.

For your reference.



10. Have a Damn Adventure

Say yes—more.

Go out—more.



And every once in a while.

Get carried away.


Bye fools.


Who knows where it might take you.


Even in just a year.