December 29th 2014
Look at you.
You look good. #nothingweird
And as a good-looking person, I can see you pairing perfectly with a few good-looking goals.
Is why I mocked up a list.
Exclusively for you.
So you can greet this New Year with sheer badassery.
As. Fucking. Usual.
Penny Erikson and Olive present:
10 New Year’s Resolutions That Absolutely Need To Be Shared
1. Portion Out Your Pizza
NOT to be mistaken with a diet, this delightfully delicious suggestion is really one of the most logical and selfless things you can do for yourself.
Instead of eating this tasty treat 3 times a week, space that shit out into biweekly bliss SO when those joyous and decadent days do arrive you can be all like:
As opposed to:
If you must eat pizza more than 3 times per week.
Make sure it has at least one vegetable on it.
Extra tomato sauce counts.
2. Dial Down The Diva
No more drunk texting your ex.
NO MORE overreacting at restaurants when the waitress tells you she’s out of muenster cheese.
And downsize on the profanity when things don’t exactly go your way.
Make this the year of zen. The year of “who in the hell cares”. The year of “okay I see this problem and I raise it a stellar nap and a good snack to get over it”.
And just for reference.
Feel free to use this picture of my sister circa 1996 as an absurdly good example.
3. Attempt Relative Responsibility
Things we’re going to fucking rock at this year:
Not leaving our shit at the bar:
Locking ourselves out of our apartment less than 5 times a year/month/whatever:
Handling things head on:
And after that.
4. Get Physical
Dudes: Thursday is now leg day.
Ladies: Thursday is now leg-shaving day
Because every once in a semi-necessary while we deserve to twerk what we’ve damn got.
5. Limit Legging Abuse
Leggings are NOT replacement pants.
Wearing them is a privilege. NOT a right.
6. Clarify Your Man Bun
Just because you have a man bun.
Does NOT automatically make you Jared Leto.
Here are some man buns for your visual comparison/characterization convenience:
Opt for the Li Shang:
The Channing Tatum:
The B Coop:
And if you’re going for absurdly sexy
7. Learn how to say “beer” and “bathroom” in every language
I would say learn the whole language.
Those are the only 2 words you need.
8. Take More Naps
Slow your roll from time to fricken time and sedate yourself on good times and hard work.
Throw on some Netflix.
And snooze so hard for a well-deserved break.
9. Take Down Your Christmas Tree Before The 4th Of July
Why the 4th of July?
The Christmas tree is a excellent decor to that snazzy Valentine’s date, perfect greenery for that wild St. Patty’s day party and incredibly appropriate for Jesus’ shin dig circa April.
Breach the 4th of July and that shit is FLAMMABLE, in the way and looking substantially more janky than it did 7 months prior.
10. Have a Damn Adventure
And every once in a while.
Get carried away.
Who knows where it might take you.
Even in just a year.