May 30th 2014
Let’s get down to business.
And ALSO chat about 10 deal breakers modern day ladies seem to commit, thus causing them to repel any and every man near and far.
Olive and Brian present:
10 Deal Breakers That Are Straight Up True—Guy Edition
1. The Relentless Chef
Permanent apron strapped to her bodice and hair that always smells faintly of parmesan cheese.
Chicks who cook are fucking great.
They also need to be leashed from time to damn time. Why?
Because any girl who refuses to eat ANYTHING except for what she produces with her bare hands AIN’T the chick for me. Are homecooked meals fantastic as shit? Bet your bottom dollar.
When you have to eat it 3 times a fucking day. Bitch, MAYBE I WANT A BURGER.
My stomach can’t handle eggplant souffle with truffle banana scratch chicken colada sauce every.damn.day.
You know what it can handle? A BIG MAC.
And what about the romantic stuff? Like dating? I mean sitting down to dinner is an INTEGRAL part of getting to know a broad. Stuffing my face whilst making conversation and judging if this is going anywhere is arguably the best part ABOUT dating! Moral of the story is, I appreciate your ability to cook delicious, delicious meals. But like. I also appreciate impressive bowel movements the day after I eat taco bell so…
2. The Gym Diva
Indeed. One of the fantastic perks of going to the gym as a man is for sure checking out in-shape gals wearing high-quality yoga pants whilst they stretch for a time that’s just never long enough.
We all know it. We all do it. But we don’t necessarily DATE IT.
Because if you DATE the gym diva, you’re dating a daily cycle that resolves around running, running, eating ridiculous nutrition shit, reading blogs about running, asking if she’s fat, asking if you’re sure she doesn’t look fat, asking if she’s gained weight, running, judging you for not running, judging anyone who isn’t skinny, running and then eating more weird green shit. BYE.
3. The Whining Wanda
“Its too far.”
“I don’t want to walk”
“This food is cold.”
“Omg you’re so mean to me.”
“Omg hulu doesn’t have the newest episode of New Girl wtf.”
“OMG I can’t find the croutons.”
GOOD LAWD. I get it. Your life is tragically crawling from one hardship to another. RING THE ALARMS because NOTHING is EVER easy for you. I know. I know. Wait I’m kidding. I can’t do it. I’m out.
4. The “You Gotta EARN IT” Bitch
Awwww yeah. A personal favorite of mine. How many dinners add up to a first kiss? HOW MANY shopping sprees equal sex? HOW MUCH TIME on a Saturday leads to a BJ? Let’s do some math.
10 ways of adding up rewards
SO MANY MIND GAMES
-1 men in your life.
5. The Phase Skipper
If we’ve been out once.
Do not call my mom.
There are distinct phases to relationships. So when in doubt, ASK. Or just DON’T. LISTEN TO ME. The next time my parents get a package on their front door in celebration of consummating our one-night stand, I WILL file a restraining order.
I’m actively trying to convince my parents that I am more responsible, not less. Phases exist for a reason. Respect that shit.
6. The Trapper.
This broad. She’s sneaky as SHIT and magically able to get you to say things, admit things and offer up confidential information. AND THEN USE IT AGAINST YOU. “Do you like this meatloaf I made, babe?” Yeah, sure.
5 months later. When you are asked if you like THE SAME MEATLOAF and you relay a, “Yeah it’s fine” GOD KNOWS you’ll get the response “BUT YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED IT.”
We’ve all been there. Fuck this noise. FUCK ALL OF IT.
7. The Unwarranted Personal Shopper
So you like shopping. We get it. It’s fine. You know what’s NOT fine? When a girl goes buck wild on her unnecessary shopping spree and throws in a few things for her MAN. Look, I don’t care how much you dislike your dude’s college tee and 8 year old jeans,
If you’re buying shit for your man, WITHOUT HIS CONSENT OR KNOWLEDGE, and he is about to get BLINDSIDED with a bunch of bullshit from a trendy store, shit’s about to get real. “Oh you can’t seriously like wearing those old shirts?!” Bitch I might. Does it fit? Nope. Is it clean? Debatable. Is it more manly than an aqua marine v-neck that probably cost you $50 on sale? Hell yeah man stuff.
8. The Life-Gambling Driver
God helps us all. This girl. Casually operating a motor vehicle with a blatant disregard for anyone and everyone that values this thing called life.
Basically, if you endanger my well-being with just one quick pit stop to the local Arby’s, WE ARE DONE. There is nothing worse than riding shotgun on a roller coaster that may or may not end up in death or a mild amputation, because OMG someone just texted me about a sale at Kohls and it CANNOT WAIT until the next stop sign. Stop the car, stop the relationship. I’m out.
9. The “But how Did I Get So Drunk?” Drunk
Ohhh lordy. Lemme say this in a concise way: if you are a constant blacked out liability to the people who care about you, you’re fucking wrong. If I can’t take you to a bar or a restaurant or a club without fearing for your property, innocence, or freedom from imprisonment, then this
10. The “Why Do Your Friends Hate Me” Hater
If a girl at any point tries to make a man choose between the people that have been there for him BEFORE her, and will be there AFTER her, it’s a done fuckin deal. How this keeps happening is beyond me, and people keep letting it happen. BROS BEFORE HOS GODDAMNIT. Because quite frankly:
And there you have it. 10 deal breakers that could be labeled as douchey but DEFINITELY labeled as true. But I gotta go. I’ve got snacks to make.